Hey Var,
Soo date w/ Dr Patrick was fucking LAAAME!!! Like, hilarious lame tho so here's the story:
FIRST of all, we're scheduled for dinner on Friday and like, I'm early for once in my life & keep in mind I met him @ night so I don't have the most amazing idea of what he looks like. So I'm waiting around & this FAT dude comes up to me, wearing camo shorts and is like "Hey" and I'm thinking "HOLY SHIT I AM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN" but much to my relief he's just some fuckhead whose trying to mack on me cause "I look lonely". Please. He asks if I go to Brown and I say "yeah I just graduated" @ which point he gets that total-loss-of-masculinity look on his face. So I'm like "are you going to school?" and he says "yyeah.... I'm gonna be a freshman at CCRI"HAHAHAHAHA. Fuck him.
So anyways, 5 minutes(!) before my date, Dr. Patrick calls & is like "I'm on call, I just got paged so I can't come" and I'm pissed but we make plans for breakfast @ 10:30 (wtf?! SO early) the next day. He says "lets meet at the Creperie" and I'm like ok whatever. I figured it was just a convenient meeting place.
The next morning my sorry ass wakes up at 10 from 5 hours of drunk sleep & I'm like fuck crepes. So I text him saying essentially "no way am I leaving my bed til at least noon, plus the Creperie is gay and I wanna go to Julians for breakfast. I'll drive". He's like OK but says he'll drive, then when he picks me up he's like "I dunno, I really want crepes... let's just go to the Creperie".
Is he serious?!? Who does that on a DATE?! Like, fuck crepes, you want to get laid and it ain't gonna happen if you veto my breakfast place of choice, but the motherfucker does anyways, dick. And like, the thing is, if he'd been introducing me to some cool new place I wouldn't have cared. But I know what the Creperie is, I've lived here 3 years longer than he has and I still wanted to go somewhere else. Like, is he retarded? Since when does that fly? Total red flag in retrospect.
You have to understand that at the time I was so hungover that I was totally not sure what to make of all this and wasn't mad/totally weirded out until afterwards. So aside from him being a stubborn asshole, the conversation is going fine & he's pretty smart and whatnot. So I'm interrogating him to find out what his deal is and I discover a few things:
1) He models for some Nigerian fashion magazine, this is how he gets me back to his place cause he wants my opinion on some photos and I'm like sure. One thing leads to another, we make out for a bit and all of a sudden he's like, trying to go for the gold. After a BREAKFAST date?! I don't fucking think so... 8 weeks of celibacy or not, I cannot sleep w/ someone unless I'm drunk enough or know them super-well. Certainly not after he buys me a crepe ($7, big spender!) and refuses to go to my breakfast place of choice, or anywhere with Bloody Marys for that matter.
But I digress...
2) Once were eating, we're chatting & he takes out this mini computer thing he has and starts talking my ear off about how awesome it is cuz he hacked it so he can play ANY kind of video game on it!!!! ANY video game, OMFG and I thought my life was exciting!! I mean, is that how he picks up girls normally? Talking about video games? Ugh.
Buut I'm still not totally freaked out by him so I was like, oh you're into video games, trying to keep an open mind about it, cuz there's levels of nerd-dom when it comes to that. Like, its one thing to enjoy playing Halo and another to spend 20 hrs a day doing it. Post-making out, when I've put the brakes on his ridiculous attempt to score some day play, I find out just how far he surpasses even the nerdiest nerds. As we're walking out to his balcony so I can have a (badly needed) cigarette, I notice an open word document on his computer with weird shit like:
Enter the __(some weird Lord of the Rings sounding place)____ Kingdom.
Go past the __Forest of Magical Gremlins____ and enter the ___Crystal Palace of Homoerotic Elves____ on the Right.
Be sure to scoop up all the Golden Flammocks in the Dungeon of Perpetual Thievery!
Or some gay shit like that. Like, scary-nerdy.
Soo naturally I'm like, "whats this?" and it turns out to be instructions he's written for some gay-ass video game. Like, so he can "remember what to do" and discuss strategies with other nerds on message boards. AAAAH! At this point any lingering inclination to pursue a physical relationship with this fool evaporated and I was consumed with The Fear. BUT WAIT! It gets better... (by which, if you weren't able to tell thus far into the narrative, means worse).
3) Is perhaps not as terrifying as #2 but it's close. As we sit on his balcony and I get my nic fix, I ask: "what are you up to this evening?" Only to discover he moonlights AS A CAGE DANCER AT CLUBS!
I'll let that sink in....
In sum, this means that I just went on a date with a Nigerian Cage-Dancing Pediatrician/Model with a Penchant for Video Games. Who doesn't drink. Did I mention that? Not a drinker. Can you even imagine me dating someone who didn't drink?!?! So in fact, he's a Teetotalling Cage-Dancing Nigerian Pediatrician/Model with a Penchant for Video Games. I actually feel physically ill when I think about the fact that I made out with him. Needless to say I was like: "let's totally hang out tomorrow!" then deleted his number and never returned his calls.
And that, dear readers, was the worst date ever.
